First Psychology blog

With valentine's day fast approaching our attentions often turn to matters of the heart, but what if you haven't met that special someone yet? Here are some top tips on finding your ideal partner. Spotting that special someone No matter where you are - looking online, at your local pub, or even just walking down the street - you need to know who you're looking for. Think about the qualities that matter to you and be really honest with yourself. Try and sort in your mind the qualities that are  'must-haves' and those that are desirable but not necessarily deal breakers. Shared values When you meet someone for the first time, there's no denying that first impressions count. We take just a few seconds to decide whether we're interested in someone or not. However, once things move on and become more serious, ask yourself if you and your partner have shared goals and values. Do you respect them? Partners who share similar values and have a mutual respect fo...

Deciding a relationship is over is one of the hardest things to do. You may feel torn, remembering once happy times while also feeling sad about how things are at present. In addition, when children and shared assets are involved, things can be very complicated.  Unfortunately, there is no sure way to tell your relationship is over and no-one can make that decision but you, however the following questions may help you decide whether you want to put in the effort to make things better or end the relationship and move on. 1. Ask yourself, in your heart of hearts, is your partner the right person for you? 2. Does your partner make you a better person? 3. Are you afraid of losing your partner more than you're afraid of the break-up process. 4. Think about why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, are those reasons still enough? 5. Imagine yourself in ten years' time, do you see your partner with you? 6. Again, imagine your future self, do you think you would reg...

Infidelity is when a partner breaks the expectations of exclusivity upheld by the relationship. However, what constitutes 'cheating' varies between cultures and types of relationships and is not necessarily physical. Figures suggest that roughly 30-40% of those in a marriage or a long-term relationship break these expectations at some point, and so is a something many of us will deal with. Immediately after the affair you are likely to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. It may seem like you'll never get past it, and many may not want to try. However, if you want to continue with the relationship here are some tips that may help get you through. Be prepared! Deciding to stay with your partner is only the first step. Make sure you are both prepared to work hard and fight for the relationship.  Take some time off or get away for a few days. This time and space can give you clarity to figure out what you truly want.  Understand the cause of the affair. Although, there is no e...

If after being with your partner some time you feel their interest is waning and they just don't seem to fancy you as much as they once did. Here are some suggestions to get their interest. Take pride in your appearance - living up to the ideal body images portrayed by the media can be hard work and pretty much impossible. However, staying in shape, maintaining good hygiene and making an effort with how you look should improve your confidence and get your partner's attention. Take time to be friends - living with a partner is made up of three elements: practicality, friendship and sexual intimacy, which should be present in equal measure. Often the demands of everyday life, such as work and children, can leave little time for friendship which is needed for intimacy. Conversely, neglecting practical matters may leave your partner feeling disappointed and not interested in sex. Try to rebalance your home life so there is time for all three elements. Set aside time when you prio...

Contrary to the woes of premarital cohabitation in our previous blog, evidence has recently come to light which suggests it is the individual's attitude toward the decision to live together that determines whether the relationship will succeed or fail. Couples who demonstrate commitment to each other before shacking up, by getting engaged for example, fair just as well as those who marry without living together first. Indeed, women may even reduce the risk of divorce if they make a conscious decision to live with their partner before marriage, though are twice as likely to part company if they serially cohabit. With this in mind, the decision to live together should not be taken lightly. Here is some advice on what to consider before doing so. Speak now or forever hold your peace - discuss issues, such as chores or who's welcome in your home when you're not around, before you move in. This will save problems later down the line. If you're worried bringing issues up will...

When we talk about the language of love many people might think we are referring to sex. According to author, Gary Chapman, however, the language of love is about how people express, and feel love in different ways. In order to feel loved, we must match our love language to that of our partners. It seems obvious really. If I speak English and my partner speaks Hebrew then we are likely to feel frustrated as communication may be difficult. What is your language of love?  Words of affirmation – unsolicited compliments from your partner  Quality time – undivided attention from your partner  Receiving gifts – the thought behind the gift from your partner rather than the gift itself  Acts of service – doing something you know your partner would like you to do  Physical touch – affection from your partner, not sex  By identifying your partner's love language and your own, even if they are different, you can then adapt the way you express your love t...

Following on from our last blog about the difficulty of establishing and maintaining friendships, here are some techniques on how to be liked. If you want others to like you then all you have to do is make them feel good about themselves. It’s simple, if we make people feel good about themselves they will want to recreate this feeling and will seek us out again. But how, and why don’t more of us use this technique? The problem is that we often focus on ourselves and put our needs before those of others. The irony is, if people like you they will try hard to please you anyway. Use some animal magic Like animals we constantly scan the environment for signals and threats. It is important to send positive nonverbal cues when meeting people to show that you don’t pose a threat.  These include: Eyebrow flash - a quick up and down movement of the eyebrows which is typically displayed on approaching others.  Head tilt – this shows we are not a threat as this exposes our car...

With January having been a prevalent time for relationships break-ups and Valentines day just around the corner, you may be feeling a bit lonely. At times like these we need good mates but with friends who make no effort and keep irregular contact, you may be feeling like you have none. Everyone feels like this at times, but if it is a recurring problem then perhaps you need to consider the reason for your lack of close reciprocal friendships. There could be many reasons for this. It may be circumstances are preventing friendship opportunities arising, or there may be other reasons such as shyness that are keeping you from finding like-minded people. Here are some common reasons for not making friends. Situational barriers  You have moved around a lot or live in a place where it is difficult to connect with people.  You may have be shunned if you have a mental or physical condition because of the stigma attached to your disability and may not be able to get out of the ho...

Professor Ewan Gillon, Director of First Psychology Scotland discussed the topic of friendship on BBC Radio Scotland today (see http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/z62tr/ ).  On this morning's Fred MacAulay show he talked about the challenges of making friends when we get older or move to a new city. Making friends gets harder as we get older. Friendships develop over time, with repeated contact allowing for shared experiences and increasing intimacy. When we see people a lot and spend time with them we are more likely to become friends with them. This can become harder to manage when people have partners, families and busy jobs. Research shows we tend to make friends with people who support what psychologists term as our 'social identity' (how we see ourselves in the world). People we befriend often share our values, interests, sense of humour, etc. To make friends when you are a bit older, it is important to bear these facts in mind and use your time carefully. Focus on activiti...