First Psychology blog

While anger is a natural human emotion and can be useful in certain situations to make positive changes in your life, if you don’t keep it under control, it can have a damaging effect on your mental and physical wellbeing. What are the negative effects of anger? Anger is an emotion which gets a bad press, but it is our natural response to something which we feel threatens us in some way, for example, feeling taken advantage of, feeling that nobody is listening, etc, and it can be helpful in motivating us to change something that isn't working.  However, when we respond with aggression (a behavioural response to anger) we can get ourselves into trouble. As well as triggering arguments and physical violence in relationships with friends, partners or family, it can also lead to anxiety and stress. When we’re angry, our brain sends a message to our body that triggers our fight or flight response. Our levels of cortisol and adrenaline increase, which makes our heart race and blood press...

Losing a close family member or friend can be extremely upsetting and can stir a wealth of emotions that you may find difficult to deal with. There are, however, many strategies and supports available for coping with grief and loss that can help you to understand your emotions and make sense of your feelings. Understanding your emotions Although every one of us is different and we may deal with loss in different ways, there are lots of common signs and various stages of grief that most of us will experience. One of the first emotions we might experience when we lose someone close to us is shock, even if we were expecting the inevitable. Other emotions such as feeling overwhelmed, anger, confusion, loneliness, sadness, relief and guilt can all play a significant part in the grieving process. You might also feel fearful of the future, afraid of how you will cope without your loved one. Remember that these kinds of feelings are normal and will diminish with time, and it’s okay to ...

It's International Forgiveness Day today, so we wanted to take a look at the ways in which we can practise forgiveness and the benefits that this can have on our overall wellbeing and happiness. Before we do that, let’s spend a moment to think about what happens when we don’t forgive. Like most things in life, if not cleaned up and put away, our thoughts and memories can fester and tarnish. If we don’t deal with things that are bothering us – if we don’t practise forgiveness – the only person who suffers is ourself. We become bitter and self-absorbed, our issues become part of us and this can dampen any enjoyment and happiness we would otherwise feel. Forgive for yourself, not for others We may sometimes think that by forgiving another person’s actions we are actually letting them get away with bad behaviour. The truth is, forgiveness is only beneficial to one person – and that is you! When you forgive, you give yourself permission to move on from the events and actions that...

Learning to deal with anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Stress can be a huge influence on our anger levels and for many, Christmas is the most stressful time of the year. The British Association of Anger Management found that the average family has their first argument at 9.58am on Christmas morning! The aim of Anger Awareness week is to identify and bring awareness to anger as a social issue that needs to be addressed. Have a read through our top tips for innovative ways to keep your cool this week and throughout the festive period. Breathe… The Christmas period can be a busy one. Many of us will be spending more time with close and extended family than we would usually choose to! This can result in louder arguments and messy meals which can cause stress anger levels to rise. If this happens to you, take a step outside the room and find a quieter place to just breathe. Never underestimate the benefits of allowing yourself this time to yourself, to gather your thoughts and ...

We're often asked what counselling is all about and whether it's effective in helping people deal with the difficulties they may be having, so we thought we'd discuss some common issues in this blog post. Counselling involves talking You don't have to be a chatterbox to come for counselling, but the process does involve talking about the issues you are experiencing with a trained professional. Counselling provides a 'safe place' where you can talk openly without worrying what your friends, family or colleagues think about you or your thoughts. For that reason, it is important to work with someone you gel with and feel you can trust. Choosing a therapist There are different types of therapist who offer counselling and this can lead to confusion when trying to decide who to see. Counsellors, psychotherapists and counselling psychologists all offer counselling services and there are different counselling approaches to consider too. At First Psychology, we b...

What sort of communicator are you?  If you find it hard or feel guilty about expressing your view point or feel angry and lose your temper when others disagree with you then you may be a non-assertive communicator. Lacking assertiveness skills, non-assertive communicators may be passive and submit to the dominance of others or they may be aggressive and dominate social interactions.  Often aggression and dominance is what people think of when they think about assertiveness, but assertiveness is not about this. What is assertiveness? Assertiveness is about feeling able to express your view point and feelings in an open and honest way as well as listening respectfully to the views and feelings of others.  An assertive communicator will feel able to say 'no' to the unfair demands of others without feeling guilty or anxious. This may sound easy, but expressing your viewpoint without bullying and dominating others and without feeling guilty later is a skil...

The winter holidays are a time that many of us choose to spend with family and friends. Films and media portray this period as a happy time full of fun, presents and goodness, but for many people who have lost someone dear to them, it can be a difficult time, full of painful memories. Whatever the circumstances, if you're struggling with the loss of someone dear to you, Christmas can be an unwelcome reminder that they're not here any more. Grief is a complex emotion and it can take years to come to terms with it. The five stages of grief The process of mourning and grief is one that people go through no matter who they are or what they do in life. However everybody experiences grief differently. There are five stages of grief and loss, which were first proposed in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". It can take a short or long time to work through loss and each stage may not be experienced in order, indeed you may move back and forth b...

There have been a number of high profile cases of domestic abuse against women in the press recently and as today is International Day of Elimination of Violence Against Women, we thought we'd talk a bit about domestic violence. It can be easy to think that victims of domestic abuse can simply leave the situation, however often domestic abuse starts some time into a relationship when an emotional attachment has been established. For women, it may begin at a time of vulnerability, such as during pregnancy, and the woman may feel she has no choice but to stay with her partner, hoping it is a one-off. Often there is a period following the abusive behaviour when the perpetrator apologises for their behaviour and promises never to do it again and the victim may want to give things another try, hoping it will get better. However, this pattern of behaviour can continue for years and the victim may slowly lose confidence and begin to believe she is somehow to blame.  Women often...

In our last blog we talked about anger and how the practice of mindfulness can be used to aid relaxation and bring about an increased feeling of calm and wellbeing, but what is mindfulness? Mindfulness is currently very popular and sometimes it seems you can't go far without reading about its benefits somewhere. However, mindfulness has actually been around a long time – indeed it has its roots in ancient eastern meditation practices. Mindfulness was introduced to modern healthcare by Dr Jon Kabat-Zinn. So what can mindfulness do for you? It is a natural process of the human mind to wander and make up stories or 'chatter'. However, what we often don't recognise is that these thoughts strongly affect our emotions. Despite being processes of our mind, we can get caught up with them and find ourselves feeling angry, upset, sad or jealous. Mindfulness practices work to inhibit negative thinking patterns and the over active limbic system that can occur when people are...

Anger gets a bad press, but we thought it worth explaining why we get angry and why anger isn't really so bad. Anger is a natural emotion and something we should all expect to feel from time to time. However, anger is often seen as a very negative emotion and one we should aim to quash.  Anger may be bad for us - but on the other hand it has its uses (The Guardian, 04/04/14) What is the purpose of anger? Anger is an emotion that kicks in when we feel violated in some way - it allows us to stick up for ourselves and in that respect it is a positive thing. Well then it's good to be angry isn't it? Despite its bad press, anger isn't a terrible thing, it has a very useful purpose. It fires us up and allows us to take action. Anger is our emotive response to something. However, our behavioural response to feeling angry, aggression, can be extremely damaging to relationships at home and work. Therefore in instances where aggressive behaviour in response to anger has b...

Infidelity is when a partner breaks the expectations of exclusivity upheld by the relationship. However, what constitutes 'cheating' varies between cultures and types of relationships and is not necessarily physical. Figures suggest that roughly 30-40% of those in a marriage or a long-term relationship break these expectations at some point, and so is a something many of us will deal with. Immediately after the affair you are likely to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. It may seem like you'll never get past it, and many may not want to try. However, if you want to continue with the relationship here are some tips that may help get you through. Be prepared! Deciding to stay with your partner is only the first step. Make sure you are both prepared to work hard and fight for the relationship.  Take some time off or get away for a few days. This time and space can give you clarity to figure out what you truly want.  Understand the cause of the affair. Although, there is no e...

Following on from our previous blog, here are some other reasons for loss of sexual desire in relationships and things we can do to help. The sexier one  One partner may naturally have a higher or lower libido but equally others may be put off by their partner’s lack of energy or technique. Being open with your partner is important. Talk about what turns you on or off and make suggestions without criticising or making your partner feel inadequate. Appreciate them for the effort they are making. If your partner has a higher sex drive then try to meet their needs to strengthen your bond and if it is lower, try to initiate sex at least once a month. Anger is a passion killer Being constantly angry and overly critical of your partner is likely to extinguish those flames of passion and create a stressful and insecure environment which is not conducive for sex. Anger can also be elicited by one partner towards the other if they are withholding sex. We all have our differences from tim...

As we delve deeper into summer our pace starts to slow, we have more time for reflection, and it’s an ideal time to renew our outlook. One way we can do this is by being pono. Pono is a feeling that most of us have experienced at some time of peace, purpose and a sense that everything is ‘right’. In order to be pono, we must forgive ourselves so that we can let go of the bad feelings we harbour towards others. Pono comes from ho`oponopono which is the ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. This process allows us to overcome one of our biggest barriers to forgiveness - fear. Often we fear asking for, or offering forgiveness because we think it makes us look weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately, fear is a negative emotion and holding onto negativity does nothing but harm. There are three steps to the process of ho’opnopono:  Forgiving - we may not realise it but forgiveness is a two way process. It entails the person who has done wrong asking for forgiveness but...

When a child is playing up, new research suggests that we should look to the parents for clues as to why. According to a study of middle and high school students, conducted by the University of New Hampshire, controlling parents are more likely to raise disrespectful and delinquent children than those who gain their child’s respect and trust. This trust and obligation to do what they are told relies on whether the child considers their parent to be a legitimate authority figure which, in turn, is determined by the parenting style they adopt. Authoritative parents who are demanding and controlling but warm and receptive to their childs’ wishes, as opposed to authoritarian parents who do not listen to these needs, are less likely to engage in delinquent behaviour. Authoritative parenting therefore appears to be the most effective approach as adolescents seem more willing to follow the rules and accept their parents' attempts to socialise them. Even at an early age, it seems tod...

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Anger Awareness Week was developed to raise awareness of the causes of anger and highlight healthier ways in which individuals can control their behaviour and express their anger. See our five steps towardds controlling your anger below. 1. Recognise your anger  Anger can have an enormous effect on your body. Your heart may start thumping, you may feel a sense of tension and as if somebody has pushed a button and you are no longer in control. Physical activity can provide an outlet for these emotions and can actually stimulate chemicals in the brain which make you feel happier and more relaxed. 2. Accept responsibility for your anger  It is important to realise the anger you feel is your own emotion and not something someone else has inflicted upon you. It is easy to criticise or place the blame at someone else’s door, which might only serve to increase tension, so it is best to use ‘I’ statements when describ...

Christmas, for some, is a joyous time of year but for others it can be stressful and fraught with arguments. From small things such as everyone wanting to watch something different on the TV, to being overworked, the kids playing up, the in-laws staying, and relationships in general being put under strain. Everyone feels angry at some time, not just at christmas, but the key is how you express this anger. The aim of National Anger Awareness Week, which starts today until 7 December, is to increase understanding of the underlying causes of anger and equip people with strategies to reduce their own and others' anger in an effective way. Anger is not always a bad thing - it has in the past, driven people to make changes for the better. For instance, had women not responded with anger to their treatment then there would have been no Suffragette movement or women’s vote. In general however, anger can be very destructive and while some believe this emotion is genetic, others feel it ...

Dr Ewan Gillon gave a talk on men's mental health and wellbeing at a Men's Health Forum conference earlier this week. For more about the Men's Health Forum see  http://www.mhfs.org.uk . Men are often taught to keep things to themselves - to be 'big and strong' and not to admit any weaknesses. When it comes to health, it can take a lot for a man to seek help. Therapy can appear very daunting to men - over the years it has been associated with women, but men need help just as much as women. Many men just don't ask for help when they need it - they try and cope with things themselves. So it is vital when men do take that leap of faith and come for help, that they are treated in a way that doesn't put them off. Everyone is different, of course, and we can't speak for everyone, but we have found many of the men who seek help at our centres feel re-assured by the availability of male therapists. We have also found that goal-oriented therapy, such as ...

With the amount of snow that has fallen it is unsurprising that many people are encountering the stresses and strains of delayed journeys or of unfulfilled plans.  This results in a whole range of reactions. A common one is that of anger, cue pictures of passengers shouting at the train conductor or airport manager bringing news of further delays. Another reaction might be that of passive acceptance, a slump-shouldered withdrawal that is giving up on any active engagement with what is happening. These two reactions can, from a psychological perspective, be seen as examples of how different personality states operate. The first, the angry one,  may reflect what can be termed a 'parental' state,  in which an individual's authority is asserted in a direct way, perhaps with limited relevance to the actual outcomes such an approach might provide. The second, the withdrawal, may be more of a 'child' state, whereby the individual reacts in a way that diminishes his or her ...