Ways to Build a Better Relationship with Your Parents

Relationships with parents or caregivers can be complex and families come in many different shapes and sizes. The idea of a traditional, nuclear family is no longer relevant in today’s society. However you were raised and whoever provided care for you is still integral to your future and personal identity so it’s important to understand your relationship and how it can be improved.

Firstly, you might want to ask yourself the following questions to gain clarity on whether you have a healthy or unhealthy relationship and if it needs to improve:

• Can you talk openly with your parents without fear of judgement?
• Do you feel that your parents are controlling?
• Do you feel loved?

As we become adults, our relationships with our parents can change, possibly because they don’t have as much control as they once did, and sometimes this can put a strain on our bond.

The importance of a healthy relationship

The relationships we have with our parents are some of the most important and influential that we’ll ever have because they can determine how we perceive the world and ourselves. In a report by the American Psychological Association it states that:

“Parents and caregivers make sure children are healthy and safe, equip them with the skills and resources to succeed as adults, and transmit basic cultural values to them. Parents and caregivers offer their children love, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, and guidance. They provide the most intimate context for the nurturing and protection of children as they develop their personalities and identities and also as they mature physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially.”

But what if that isn’t how you were raised or what if your parents didn’t live up to idealisations and expectations? Regardless of how they raised you, they will undoubtedly have had a huge role in shaping the person you are today. For some people, their parents may have caused some internal scarring which has affected their mental wellbeing. Perhaps they lack self-confidence or struggle to maintain healthy personal relationships due to not knowing how to demonstrate love or forgiveness.

Ways to improve our relationships with our parents

Before we can begin to make changes, it’s important to remember that our parents or caregivers are human, and nobody is perfect. However, that doesn’t excuse all behaviours, but we should be realistic and understand the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.

1. Know what kind of relationship you want and communicate that clearly without attacking or judgement.
2. Be accountable for your own identity. As adults, we choose our own identity and although we might feel resentment or want to blame our parents for how we’ve turned out, we can still choose our behaviours.
3. Practise self-love and acceptance rather than relying on your parents. People are different and have different views on the world but that shouldn’t form the basis of an unhealthy parental relationship.
4. Put boundaries in place. As an adult you can decide what you’re willing to accept in your life and it’s okay to set boundaries, even for your parents. Whether that’s not allowing them to come into your home without consent, dictating how you live your life or criticising your friends/partner.