Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

If you’ve grown up with brothers or sisters, it’s likely that at some point in your life you’ll have experienced sibling rivalry. Or perhaps you’re now the parent of more than one child and you’ve become the one in a position of responsibility. Either way, if you don’t have the right tools to deal with certain situations, sibling rivalry can become stressful for both the children and parents. In a 2021 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence available at National Library of Medicine, sibling bullying is linked to lower self-confidence and self esteem and in some instances it can double the risk of depression and self-harm in young adults.

Why does sibling rivalry happen?

In reality not everyone gets along with each other all of the time, adults included, so it’s not surprising that children have arguments from time to time and this is normal behaviour. However, when these arguments become more of a regular occurrence, it’s time to take action.

There are many reasons why sibling rivalry can occur:

• Seeking attention
• Jealousy
• Age difference
• Different interests

Ways to deal with sibling rivalry

Listen to your children

As a parent, one of the most important skills you can have is to listen to your children. Although this might seem like a simple task, it often gets pushed to one side when our lives become hectic and stressful. Children need to be listened to and often their emotions will spiral out of control if they feel they’re being ignored or their voice and opinions go unheard. This can create negative feelings such as anger or resentment, especially if their sibling receives more attention at a particular time. Simply by putting some time aside to let your child speak to you and air their thoughts on a one-to-one basis will help to relieve any frustrations or concerns.

Remember yourself as a child
As adults, when we get wrapped up in our busy schedules and have to deal with our own emotions and anxieties, it’s easy to forget how we once felt as a child. Remember back to your childhood and how it felt to have a sibling that you constantly bickered or fought with. What did you argue about? How did it make you feel? What do you think your parents could have done to help the situation? By understanding how you felt at the time, you’ll be able to think of solutions or actions you can take to appease any sibling rivalry.

Offer praise for positive qualities
While it’s good to encourage our children to perform to the best of their abilities in order to live a more fulfilling life, it’s also important not to put labels on them. We all have our own unique qualities and not everyone is born with the same level of intelligence or skillsets, so no two children should ever be compared. When we compare children or introduce labels such as the ‘funny one’, ‘sporty one’ or ‘smart one’, we may inadvertently create the sibling rivalry ourselves. By ditching the labels and focusing more on positive attributes like kindness, determination and trustworthiness, siblings are less likely to feel the need to compete with each other and vie for your attention and approval.

Find out more

You can read more about sibling rivalry and other issues that children and adolescents encounter as they grow up in our free booklet "Flourishing Children – Help Your Child To Thrive"