How to be yourself when you don't fit in

Regardless of whether you always made the school sports teams or had an endless string of party invitations, there may still be certain situations in your life in which you feel like you don’t fit in. Maybe you dress differently from others, have a shy personality or you’re even too chatty. Sometimes having to socialise or make conversation about topics you don’t have much knowledge or interest in can be nerve wracking and put you outside your comfort zone.

Other people might not even be aware of how anxious or stressed you feel among a particular group, because they don’t really know you. It’s not uncommon for many of us to feel out of place, and the uneasy feelings this causes can have a detrimental effect on our mental wellbeing.

Recognising the signs

There might be times when you start to feel uncomfortable in a situation but you’re not entirely sure why, however, there are signs that you can look out for.

• You start to question what everyone is thinking about you
• You try to act like others in order to fit in. Perhaps you start to dress differently or take up different social activities or hobbies to impress people
• You make excuses to get out of social events.

Although sometimes it can be good to try new things, when you try to force something that you really don’t enjoy, it can leave you feeling even more anxious. In the long term, this can be damaging to your self-confidence as you start to lose your self-identity and a lack of self-worth creeps in. Ongoing negative self-talk could lead to depression which can also be the cause of more serious physical illness if left untreated. Some of the signs of depression include:

• Insomnia or disturbed sleep problems
• Intense feelings of sadness or emptiness
• Fatigue
• Thoughts of death
• Headaches

Many of us, especially when we’re younger, need to feel a sense of belonging and often we think that by being able to fit in, we will achieve that. Author and social scientist, Brene Brown undertook extensive research when writing her book, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. Brown believes that if we try to fit in, rather than belong, we will never be our authentic selves.

So how can we start accepting that we don’t fit in and stand strong as who we are?

1. Do more of what you love such as a hobby or a sport and join a group. Meeting like-minded people who share your interests and passions can make you feel more of a sense of belonging and less concerned with fitting in with a different crowd.
2. Don’t pretend to be someone else and accept who you are. Recognise your positive traits and focus on them by using daily positive affirmations. Speak to people who you are close to and ask them what they see as your positive attributes. There might be some that you hadn’t even recognised in yourself.
3. Shape reality to suit who you are. Take some time to think about your future. What does it look like in 10 or 20 years’ time? Begin to imagine and carve out a life for your true self and see how much happier it makes you feel rather than trying to fit into someone else’s mould. When you start to imagine a future that you want, it will feel liberating and make you more confident in who you really are.